Human After All

Finally, after going strong ever since I’ve started in August 2010, I’ve finally fallen sick beyond being able to tough it out. I had a 39 degrees high fever, with flu and a terrible cough and to top that off, back aches so severe that I could not get up from bed the morning I went to see the doctors. Its my second day of MC today, feeling a little better, my back’s treating me a little better and my fever has went slightly down.

This 2 days has got me thinking .. a lot .. To be honest, sometimes I hesitate blogging about work coz it is an open book where my colleagues & superiors are able to read. But then again, this is probably the only avenue whereby I will not hold back to state how I really feel and not feel hypocritical about it.

Being in charge of 40+ people is not easy, It never was easy not even till now. The challenge given to me last November was to be in charge of a huge outlet, spiralling downwards. It was overwhelming at first, but after 2 weeks, adjusting to its weight on my shoulders, I told myself I could do it. From scratch, I rebuilt the team, set a new direction and even till the extent of using unorthodox methods just to achieve goals that were never achieved before. With the help of my assistants, I believe as a team we managed to progress together helping each other along the way. But, it seems, I’m losing faith not in my team, but in myself now. I’m starting to question my ability and how long I’m able to hold on, I’m starting to question my faith in believing my team will be there for me.

When 40+ people look up to you for a direction to move forward to, it can be very pressurizing, your every move is scrutinized. Initially I treaded softly so that I gain the respect of my people, I play the good guy so my staff would like me. I guess I was wrong. I only gained the “thought” of respect, the assumption that my people was ascertain that I’m the leader that they’ll follow. Then I changed, I did it the hard way, it put people off, ideally this was what my superiors wanted, a firmer and in control boss, didn’t really go well with my subordinates. But then life became miserable, that’s not who I was. It was hard being an asshole constantly. I told myself that I will not give a shit on what people think about me. But that is something said easily but not as easily executed. There are a lot of things I’m able to over look, a lot of things that I won’t give a shit. But sometimes, as much as you try to shy away from the negatives, it will get to you sooner or later.

Lack of manpower is one shitty issue I’ve got to face sooner or later. Undeniably a shitty issue when you work with 80% students. I know all the bullshit about balancing the about of Poly and ITE students and working with their schedule in order to fit to the company’s roster. My 4 poly girls whom have been with me for the past 3 months are my best bet that they’ll help me through the dark days. Sadly, the 4 don’t show interest in staying, even my most promising one said she wanted to quit. Finding that balance to treat my staff good without compromising the company’s necessary protocols? How’s that even possible? One thing I know for sure, staff now is TOTALLY different from staff during my time. Yes, It was super hardcore in the past, compared to now, staff whine at the slightest bit of hard work. Am I able to accept it? Of course I can! Its life, with the improvement of technology and education, and the availability of alternative place of employment, a staff's lifespan isn’t what it used to be. But trying to implement past strategies to be forced on this generation of staff? That I do not agree, out of 10 young girls/boys, only 1 would probably stay. I’m not saying the 9 are weak, they’re just being rational about things. Why go through all that suffering? The 1 guy who stays probably found a sense of belonging, sense of belonging to the company? No no no no. Don’t get me wrong, its a sense of belonging to the people in the company. And how do we make the other 9 discover that sense of belonging as well? Well we don’t, its more or less settled on their first week of employment. Words of a cynic? No, I’m merely being realistic.

I even thought the lovely girl I got from my past outlet back to help me would stay. But no, apparently she wants to quit after her school break. Could that be my breaking point? I’m wondering, am I not trying hard enough? I know, you’ll probably be thinking “If so easy to be a boss, everyone will be boss already”.. With that, comes the next thing that is bugging me the most - Salary.. Seriously, I must be crazy to stay in this job for so long. I don’t even think its humanely possible to say that I’m satisfied with the current wages I’m receiving monthly. It’s crazy! Believe me, There are plenty of jobs out there which would without fail offer me a higher wage then what I’m getting now. But you see, that’s the funny thing, I’m still procrastinating, not because of me being lazy, but the amount of effort I’ve put into nurturing this “baby” of mine. Its hard to let go because as much as I rant and curse this god damn job, it’s actually not as hard as it sounds.

Having this 2 days of MC really allowed me to have a much deserved break. And tomorrow, its back to the office for more shit to clear. Having said all of that, I’m seriously like a slut going back for more torture after healing my wounds. Its like I've sold my soul to the devil. Some people are able to stay in the same spot of years and years waiting for that all elusive promotion, I got to the top pretty fast, and to get higher, a vast amount of luck and chance is needed (which would never happen) and these people who are with the company for so long managed to tough it out. Have they all accepted fate or are they all merely in their own comfort zone? Perhaps they are so well versed with their job scope that leaving would be throwing what they’ve worked so hard for. Maybe they’re just invincible like Superman, naturally able to take shit life throws them.

Me? I guess I’m just human after all.

Song of the moment - Yahk Roo Tae Mai Yahk Taam by Calories Blah Blah